Fire and Foe
by bellarose-riddle
Summary: He was broken, his light extinguished and his mind shattered. While he fights to pick up the remaining pieces of his soul, he discovers that maybe he does not need to do it alone. A bond forms between him and an outspoken green eyed girl, but will her own secrets tear them apart?
1. Damnatio memoriae

"When you said you were going out I thought you'd go for a run" Steve's voice came from behind him. He was at the Smithsonian, and kids were running all around him, eager to see Captain America's exposition, as Bucky stared at his own image "Coming here once and again won't do you any good"

"Then go and tell my therapist" Bucky turned to look at him. Steve was wearing glasses and had his jacket's hat on, visibly trying to ignore everyone around him and wanting to go unnoticed.

Steve guided him outside, avoiding a group of scholars that were running inside. It was Friday morning and yet there were barely people on the streets. They walked in silence for a while until Bucky turned to his best friend, a guilty look in his blue eyes.

"I'm just trying to remember, Steve"

It had been months since he had remembered who his friend was and who he was supposed to be, and during all those days he had whispered to himself that he was okay, that he was Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, best friend to Steve Rogers, and a hero of the Second World War, and yet he did not remember being a hero, just like he didn't remember being Sergeant Barnes. It was Steve he remembered, not just the Captain that he had become after they had injected him the serum, but also the little guy that he had always loved and cared about. And as well as he remembered his friend, he remembered most of the deeds he had committed while being The Winter Soldier.

"I know" the blonde promised him "but forcing your mind won't help. You heard Dr. Standen, you need to let the memories come to you"

Bucky rolled his eyes at the mention of his therapist. He had been seeing him, under Fury's commands, since SHIELD had decided to forgive him for everything that he had done, taking Steve's word that it had all been because he had been controlled by HYDRA, and it would be Dr. Standen's final report about his mental state that would decide if SHIELD considered that he was worthy of a second chance.

"I'm just tired of feeling useless" he muttered more to himself than to his friend, and was glad when Steve didn't answer, even if he knew that he had heard it.

As they walked back to their apartment, Bucky tried not to look at the people coming their way, both because he knew that it was weird to wear leather jacket and globes in the middle of august, and because all the people who ever looked at him in the eye seemed to be scared of him. Steve had once suggested that he could smile, but he just didn't feel like it, mostly because he felt like every stranger he met was watching him, waiting for the right moment to take him back to HYDRA.

As they crossed through the National Mall, Steve stopped to answer his phone.

"Captain Rogers" he said with a serious tone and then listened quietly at what they were telling him before saying "I'll be right there" and hanging up.

"Fury?" Bucky asked as they resumed their way.

"Sharon" Steve replied and upon seeing the little smirk his friend gave him he shook his head "It's just job"

Bucky nodded "Of course it is"

Steve didn't say anything, but observed Bucky closely, recognising the smile that was dancing on his lips from all those times that he had seen it before when they were younger. He knew that his friend was not aware of how many gestures he made that resembled his old self, just like he knew that telling him would only make him worry, so he decided to say nothing and enjoy those little moments of peace in silence.

Steve left to meet Sharon as soon as Bucky walked into their building. There was no elevator, so he had to walk up the stairs to get to their apartment, which was on the 3rd floor. He took his jacket and gloves off as soon as he was inside, and avoided looking at his reflection on the bathroom's mirror before getting into the shower. Although his metal arm was as good as his real one, even if it didn't feel the same way, a part of him felt ashamed of it, and yet he had come to accept that he had to live with it, even though at first he had wanted Steve to make SHIELD rip it off his body. It was probably the only thing he had accepted from his past, even if he was not ready to show it to the world, and that's why he kept it hidden every time he walked out of the house.

Fury had wanted Steve and Bucky to go to live in New York, with Tony Stark, who had kindly offered them a couple of floors on his tower, but Steve had rejected the offer, knowing that Tony would never had left them out of sight. SHIELD was still keeping an eye on them, of course, but Steve had managed to not have them wandering around their apartment, even if he had to agree to Sharon living on top of them, on the 4th floor, although the Agent, who was currently working for the CIA while doing undercover jobs for SHIELD, was almost never at home.

After getting out of the shower and getting dressed, he went to the kitchen, looking for something to eat, as he tied his hair in a bun at the back of his head. Opening the fridge, he sighted, and grabbed his phone to call Steve. He still wasn't sure about how to properly use a smartphone, but he knew that if he pressed the call button on Steve's name it would call him, and if he pressed message, it would write to him. It took his friend a moment to answer.

"What is it?" Steve asked.

"We are out of food and I'm hungry" Bucky informed and heard his friend laugh.

As Sharon looked at Steve to tell him to hang up, because they were almost at the entrance of SHIELD's secret, and officially inexistent, underground quarters, the blonde smiled and shook his head, knowing that Bucky would rather stay home and starve than go to a supermarket due to his fear of anyone recognising The Winter Soldier and of being found by Hydra.

"You could go to that bookshop down the street that sells coffee and muffins" he proposed "and I'll make sure to grab some real food before going back home"

"Fine. Be safe, buddy"

"Always am" Steve told him before hanging up.

Putting his phone in his jean's pocket, Bucky went to take his jacket and put it on, before talking his gloves. He kept his head down while he walked down the street, no wanting to risk meeting anyone's eye, because every time that happened the look on their faces would tell him that they were afraid of him and, even if he didn't truly understand why they feared him, he made his best to try not raise his eyes from the ground.

It didn't take him long to get to the bookshop, which was about five blocks away from his apartment. He got in trying not to make much noise and his eyes quickly studied everyone and everything around him. There was a girl behind the counter, at his right, checking a little oven and giving him her back. A boy and a girl were chatting happily on one of the tables and, further away inside the shop, there was a girl sitting on a sofa with a book between her hands, right next to a wall that was entirely covered by shelves full of books.

The girl behind the counter turned around and smiled politely at him, but he saw her eyes looking at the customers inside the shop, like she was wondering if she was going to need to ask for help. Bucky sighed.

"Welcome" she said "What can I do for you?"

"I'd like an Americano and a couple chocolate muffins, please"

The girl frowned.

"I can serve you the coffee right now, sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait about" she turned around to look at the oven "ten minutes for those muffins"

He nodded and she moved to prepare the coffee. When she came back with it in her hand and handed it over to Bucky, she added.

"You can take a look at our books while you wait and I'll let you know when your order is ready"

He nodded again and, after changing the coffee, that was so hot it burned him, from his right hand to his left one, he walked to the back side of the bookshop, walking next to the girl on the couch and staring at the books. He didn't know any of those titles and he wasn't sure if it was because they had been written after the Second World War or because he had forgotten about them, but he assumed that it was the former. He looked through them, taking them on his hand to read what they were about and then placing them back on the shelf, while drinking his coffee.

"Are you looking for something special or are you just too indecisive?" someone asked from behind him and Bucky turned around to find that the girl on the couch had put her book down and was staring at him. _Is she not afraid of me?_ He wondered when his blue eyes met her green ones.

"Just looking around" he replied.

She rolled her eyes at him, taking him by surprise.

"Well, stop looking and pick something, because I'm trying to read and you are distracting me"

The annoyance on her face almost made him want to laugh.

"In that case maybe you'd like to help" he snapped back, not liking her tone.

He could see her pressing her lips together. She put a bookmark on the book that she still had on her hands and, after leaving it on the couch, she stood up to face him, which was funny because he was taller than her.

"Give me a topic"

Bucky shook his head.

"How about…the fight between good and evil?" he took another sip of his coffee as the girl gave him a cocky smile and moved towards one of the shelves with confidence. Bucky almost expected her to come back with some fantasy novel about mythological figures or about angels and demons so, when she handed him the book, he was taken aback by it " _The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_?"

Putting a lock of her black hair behind her ear, she shook her shoulders.

"You chose the topic" she moved to the couch, taking her book back and sitting down "Now, please, stop walking around"

The girl from the counter walked towards them at that moment to tell Bucky that the muffins were ready and, without another look at the girl, he went to take them. When he was about to pay, he told the tender to add the book too, and a moment later he was walking out of the bookshop with his coffee still on his left hand and a bag that contained the muffins and the book on his right, not entirely sure of what had happened.

* * *

Steve went back home late on the afternoon and left the bags of what he'd bought on the kitchen table. Looking about to the living room, were Bucky was sitting on the couch, he asked:

"Want some coffee?"

"Sure" his friend answered and stood from the couch to help Steve store what he had bought "So, how was your day with Sharon?"

As the blonde made the coffee, he turned to look at Bucky, a warning on his blue eyes.

"Even if I tell you that there is nothing between us you won't believe it, will you?"

Bucky shook his head.

"I know that there is nothing, Steve" he admitted "But you can't blame me for wanting my pal to be happy"

Steve finished making the coffee and poured a cup for each of them. They walked to sit in the couch and, as Bucky focused on changing from one channel of the TV to another, Steve answered a test from Natasha. When he put his phone away, he noticed the book on the little coffee table in front of him, and looked at his friend.

"You bought that?"

Bucky seemed confused at first, like he didn't know what Steve was talking about but, following his friend's look, he nodded, before turning back to look at the television. As he didn't say anything, Steve pushed the matter aside. Truth be told, Bucky had started reading the book, and he kind of liked it, but it had disturbed him, because even if she had read but little of it, he had a few theories about what really was going on with the mysterious Mr Hyde.

"What did SHIELD want from you?" Bucky asked, drinking his coffee.

Steve shook his head.

"Sharon used some of her influence on the CIA to find information about an underground Hydra lab on the south of Canada"

"But you have no jurisdiction there" Bucky noted, gaining a little smirk from his friend.

"That's why we made sure no one saw us. It was futile anyway" he finished his coffee and left the empty cup on the table "We found the lab, but it was empty and there was no one around"

Bucky nodded and Steve didn't dare to say anything else. He knew that, even if his friend liked to hear about his mission's, it wasn't good to give him details unless he asked for them, because it made him uneasy. He had made the mistake of telling him about a basement they had found months before, without knowing that the machines they had found had been those who had once served to torture Bucky and to make him forget who he was. Bucky hadn't left their apartment for almost a week after that, not even leaving to go see his psychiatrist, fearing that someone was still out there looking for him, trying to turn him back into the Winter Soldier.

"I was thinking about going running tomorrow morning" Steve informed after some minutes of silence "Want to come?"

It took him a moment, but then he nodded "Sure"


	2. See what I've become

They went out before the sun came up and, knowing that there were not going to be many people up at that time, Bucky didn't bother to cover his hands, even if he put on a hoody to hide his arm. They had been running for a while around the National Mall when Sam joined them and tried, unsuccessfully, to keep up with them. After many days going out to run with them, Bucky had grown used to Steve laughing and saying "on your left" when they passed next to Sam, even if he didn't truly understand the joke.

The sun was coming up when they stopped.

"Should we wait for him?" Bucky asked Steve, tugging his hands on his hoody's pockets.

"Yeah" the blonde nodded "He must be right behind us"

But he wasn't, and they had to wait for several minutes before Sam reached them, breathing heavily and letting himself fall on the bench where they were sitting.

"Do you people never get tired?"

Bucky wasn't paying him much attention but Steve laughed.

"Sometimes" he answered as his friend drained the content of his bottle.

As they started to make their way to their apartment, Sam turned to Steve with a smile.

"You are coming to the meeting this afternoon, right? Need you to make me look good for Michaela"

"Of course, buddy" he smiled before turning to Bucky, reading the confusion in his eyes "Sam is a counsellor for war veterans with PTSD" he waited to see his reaction and when his best friend nodded he continued "There's a meeting today and he wants me to go by and say hi so he can tell a co-worker that he's a friend of mine"

Bucky shook his head but smiled at him. It still felt weird to know that Steve was wanted by many women, and possibly men also, all around the world and that he was a living legend. Bucky had always known that his friend was made of pure gold, of course, but he was not sure if he wanted to share him, even if such a thought was selfish, because it'd feel like letting go of his family and of the only thing that helped him remember who he was, or who he had once been.

"She is not just a co-worker" Sam stated "She is a goddess"

Steve laughed at that, shaking his head, as they made their way to their apartment.

"You said the same thing about that girl you met at the supermarket two months ago" Bucky reminded him and Sam shot him a glare. Steve was still laughing, like it was a joke, and Sam shook his head, saying that it wasn't the same thing because the girl from the supermarket hadn't even looked at him.

Bucky didn't get it, even if Steve had tried to explain it to him once. He just couldn't understand how a man could say that he liked a girl and then fall for another the following day. He wasn't sure if men on that new age were all like that, but he knew that he found it odd. Maybe it was him who was different.

They got home not long after that and Sam got ready to part ways with them but, before he did, he turned to Bucky and told him that he was invited to go to the meeting too, and that there was going to be free food. Bucky nodded and, when Sam finally left, the two friends got into their building, and climbed up the stairs in silence to get home.

Bucky was the first one to get into the shower, as Steve went to the kitchen to cook lunch. He didn't take long and when he got out, without drying his hair and with a towel around his waist, he was quick to get to his room, locking himself inside. Steve pretended not to notice because he knew that, even if Bucky had accepted that he had to live with his metal arm, he still didn't feel confident enough to let anyone see it, not even his best friend and the most Steve had seen of it had been his hand, because Bucky always wore long sleeves. He finished preparing the spaghetti and served them on a couple of plates that he left on the kitchen table.

His best friend was still inside his room when Steve went to the bathroom to take a shower. He didn't spend much time under the water and when he walked out of the bathroom Bucky was looking for something inside the fridge.

"What are you looking for?" Steve asked from his room as he put on some clothes.

"Ketchup" Bucky answered, making his friend laugh.

"We don't have any" the blond informed him as he stepped out of his room and walked to the kitchen, fully clothed "Please, tell me you weren't planning on eating the spaghetti with ketchup"

Closing the fridge, Bucky turned to look at him, frowning.

"I like ketchup" he stated, as though it wasn't obvious.

Steve shook his head as Bucky sat to eat lunch, resigned, and sat with him.

* * *

Bucky hadn't wanted to go to the meeting that Sam had invited them to, but Steve insisted and, as he had no convincing excuse to refuse, he agreed to go. It was hot outside that afternoon so he decided to leave his jacket at home, but put on a black, long sleeved, shirt and leather gloves.

They left the house early because, even if both of them had motorcycles, thanks to Steve's friendship with Stark, they liked to walk every time that they had the chance to do so, which was a lot lately because Steve's help wasn't requested by SHIELD as much as it was before.

"You told him to invite me, didn't you?" Bucky asked his best friend as they walked down the street.

It took Steve a moment to answer but, even before he did, Bucky had read the truth on his face.

"I thought you'd like it" he smiled kindly and Bucky nodded, knowing that it would be stupid to get angry at him for trying to cheer him up.

It took them a while to reach the place and, when they did, they found empty halls. Steve guided his friend though the corridors of the building and it was obvious that he had been there before. Turning to the right, they found Sam standing outside what looked like a classroom. He greeted them with a wide smile.

"You are just in time" he informed.

Inside of the room, which door was open, different people were moving chairs and sitting down. There was also a table with pastries and coffee at the far end of the room. A tall dark haired woman with ebony skin seemed to be giving instructions and Steve turned to Sam, asking if that was the girl that he had to impress. Sam nodded.

"Come in, I'll introduce you" as Sam got into the room, Steve moved to follow him, but turned around when he saw that Bucky gave a step back.

"Go on" his friend told the blonde "I'll be right here"

"Are you sure?"

Bucky nodded and stared at them as they got inside. Half on the people in the room started talking as soon as they saw him, and Michaela's eyes widened when Sam introduced her to Steve.

"Wandering around again?" a voice asked from behind him "Is it some kind of hobby?"

He turned around, frowning, and found the girl from bookstore staring at him with a raised brow and a smile.

"Are you here for the meeting?" she asked before he could say anything and Bucky shook his head.

"A friend of mine is" he explained and he gave her a quick look. She had a folder on her left hand and was wearing a green dress. As she nodded at him, he wondered again why she seemed to be so calmed while taking to him "Are you?"

She shook her head and put a lock of her hair behind her ear when it fell on her face.

"Not today. I do know the guy who organizes them, though, he is nice" her relaxed expression went away when she say a guy coming on their direction from the other side of the hall "God" she muttered and turned back to Bucky "Can you pretend to talk to me?"

"I thought that I already was talking to you" he frowned and was surprised when she shook her head, smiling again, because he hadn't intended to be funny.

The guy coming towards them was almost as tall as Bucky, with broad shoulders and a big tattoo on his right arm. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts and looked like he had just come out of a swimming pool. When he smiled at the dark haired girl, she rolled her eyes, but he didn't seem to notice.

"I got the car parked right next to the door, sweetheart, do you want me to take you home?"

She shook her head.

"No"

"Come on, Freya…" he started, but she cut him off.

"I said no. And you should learn some manners, Drake. My friend and I were talking and you interrupted us" her eyes moved to Bucky and he was certain that she was asking him to play along.

And when that Drake guy turned to him and looked at him like he was some kind of parasite standing on his way, it was clear to Bucky why the girl - _Freya_ , he reminded himself-, would want to get away from him.

"I guess I should apologize then, darling"

"There's no need" Freya tried to make him leave "It was nice seeing you"

Drake ignored her, turning to Bucky, who still didn't like the look in his brown eyes, and offered him his hand.

"Sorry, mate"

Bucky felt a shiver running up his spine when he saw the guy was offering him his left hand and, after a moment of hesitation, he refused to shake his hand, and raised his eyes to make the Drake's. The guy moved his hand away and, from the first time since he got back, Bucky was almost happy to make someone scared.

"I think you should get going" he told him and the guy nodded.

Giving another look at Freya, he headed for the door and, as soon as he was out of sight, she laughed.

"Thank you for that" she told Bucky, moving her hair away from her face "You helped me out and I still don't know your name"

He studied her for a moment, paying attention to the way she moved her hands, to the way she stood, to the pulse on her neck, to the soft breaths that left her mouth, and to the way her eyes fell on him, and surprised himself when he realised that, not only he had abilities of knowing when someone lied that he did not remember learning, but also that she seemed to be harmless and have good intentions.

"Bucky" he told her, and was thankful when she didn't ask him what his nickname meant, because even if he wanted to believe that people wouldn't recognise Bucky, he was sure that anyone who knew about Steve Rogers would know James Buchanan Barnes.

The door behind Bucky opened and Freya turned to look behind him.

"Hey, Williams" Sam addressed her "You here for the free coffee? I know you can't say no to a good Americano"

"It's tempting, but I can't. I'm already running late" turning back to Bucky, she smiled "Thank you again"

He nodded as she turned around to leave and, when he took his eyes of her tiny figure, he found Sam staring at him with a raised brow and a sly smile.

"What?" he asked confused, and Steve's friend shook his head, looking at him like he was dumb.

"You should come in, grab some food" he walked back into the room and Bucky followed him, reluctantly. Inside, Steve offered him a chocolate brownie and a cup of coffee.

* * *

Later that night, Bucky woke up from a nightmare panting and covered in sweat. His breath was agitated and it took him a moment to realize that he was on his bed, inside the room that he had on the apartment he shared with Steve, in Washington. A moment later, he was running out of the room and into the bathroom, as nausea rose inside of him and he felt the dinner from the previous night raising up his throat. He barely had time to kneel next to the toilet before he started vomiting. It was nothing new for him, he often felt dizzy after having nightmares and flashes, and most times it was a welcomed sensation, because he preferred to wake up feeling sick than to open his eyes and find himself sleepwalking and fighting with Steve. After all, the worst part was not feeling that he was losing himself and he could not go back, for he actually believed that all that pain and all that fear were his burden to bear for all the pain and suffering he had brought others. No, the worst part was knowing that the weak lock he had put on his door would not keep him inside the room if he were determined to go out, if he were lost, and that would only result in more deaths. He doubted sometimes that Steve would be able to stop him if his old self would manage to somehow retake control of his body.

When Bucky went back to bed, still a little shaken, he was unable to sleep. Sitting down with his back resting against the headboard, he moved to turn on the lamp. The light blinded him at first but he was quick to get used to it. The clock on the night table told him that it was 05.30 am, and he sighed. He was about to lie back again when he saw the book resting next to the lamp and, after a moment of doubt, he reached for it, knowing that he was not going to be able to sleep again and that reading would at least help him get his mind off his nightmares.

* * *

Steve was awoken by the buzzing on his phone and, still rubbing his eyes, he rolled on the bed to take it, and felt the urge to curse when he read Natasha's message. _On my way to your place, old man._ _Get up._ Putting the phone away without answering, he got up and went to the bathroom. He usually got up early so his friend's message hadn't bothered him that much, but he did wonder what Natasha wanted, especially since she was awoke at 08.00 on the morning, which was probably an accomplishment for her, Steve knew, after all, that she liked to go out with Clint or stay up late when they were not on missions.

Going to the kitchen, he started preparing coffee, and turned around when he heard Bucky walking out of his room.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked him, but when he looked at his friend it was clear that he had been awake for a while "Are you alright?"

Bucky nodded.

"Yeah, I just need coffee"

"You have an appointment with Dr. Standen today, don't you?" Steve asked, handing him a cu full of coffee.

Bucky nodded again, taking a long sip of his cup.

"You could ask him to give you pills to sleep" he said it with a calmed voice and yet the glare that he earned could have burned through his skull.

Steve knew that asking that of him again was pointless; they had had the same discussion a thousand times before, after all, and yet even if both Steve and Bucky's therapist had insisted that pills would help him sleep and would stop the nightmares, he hadn't wanted to hear any of it. His friend knew that the negative was not to the pills but to having something, in some way, controlling his mind.

Someone knocking on the door at that moment saved Bucky from answering. He walked to it, coffee still in hand, and opened the door, only to find Natasha Romanoff smiling and caring a bag of pastries.

"Hey there, soldier" she greeted stepping inside "Where is Rogers, I've got some _cœur de France_ for him"

"Over here, Romanoff" Steve called her from the kitchen and Natasha walked past Bucky to join him "What do you want for the pastries?"

"Always thinking that I have an ulterior motive. You wound me" Natasha complained but Bucky didn't stay to here Steve's reply.

He left the empty cup of coffee on the kitchen's counter and went to his room to take some clothes before going to take a shower. Bucky didn't spend much time under the water and walked out of the bathroom minutes later, fully dressed, with his hair still wet. Natasha was still on the kitchen, leaning against the counter and talking to Steve, and it made Bucky uncomfortable, because he never knew how to behave around the Russian spy, mostly because he had shoot her several times and almost killed her.

"You are coming back for lunch, right?" Steve asked him as he made his way to the door, stepping out of the kitchen and looking at him with a questioning look.

"Yeah" he didn't say anything else as he opened the door and got out, but he could still hear Natasha's voice behind him, telling Steve that they were like a married couple. He wondered if the redhead always spoke so loud, and he guessed not, because if she did, she'd be a terrible spy.

Putting his hands inside the jacket's pockets, he started walking down the street with his eyes on the ground, wondering what would have in store for him that week.


	3. The past is written and the ink is dry

Dr. Edwin Standen had a little office on a building not far away from where the Triskelion had been and, even though he was supposed to be a usual therapist, the only patients that he had were from SHIELD. Bucky didn't truly know much about him. He knew that he didn't like coffee and that he didn't want him to drink coffee, that he wore bright and colourful ties with weird patterns or drawings, that he was organized and his working place was never untidy, and that he didn't have any pictures of any family members on his office, at least not in display. That didn't make Bucky trust him, because he didn't like people who would not share information about themselves, especially if they were asking him to do precisely that, but Fury had insisted that if he would not see him, they'd have to assume that he didn't want to cooperate and treat him with hostility. Steve had wanted to punch his boss after that but Bucky hadn't let him and had agreed to Fury's demands because the only thing that he wanted was to be left alone and to be able to spend the rest of his days in peace.

Getting into the building, he decided to go walking up the stairs instead of using the elevator, still not used to be trapped on small places, and stopped when he reached the therapist's door, knocking on it and waiting for the doctor to answer. It didn't take long for Dr. Standen to answer. He opened the door with a kind smile on his face and gestured for him to enter.

"Good morning, James."

Bucky made a face as he walked in and inhaled the sharp smell of lye. Sometimes he seriously questioned what the man did on his free time. Walking to the divan, he sat as Standen moved to take a notebook and then sat on a chair next to him.

"You still don't think that these sessions are helpful, do you?"

Bucky frowned.

"Why would you say that?"

"Because you won't relax," the therapist sighed, looking at him like he was some misbehaving child who needed to be lectured.

"Would you relax if someone told you to open up to them and you didn't know them at all?" he replied, looking at him.

Standen made a face and wrote something down but Bucky ignored him, knowing that he had made a good point, and that being cautious was no crime.

"Have you been sleeping well?" he changed the subject and the former sergeant rubbed his eyes, tired of hearing the same questions every week.

"Well enough."

"For how many hours?"

It took him a couple of seconds to answer, because he knew that lying would not be good, and saying the truth would make the therapist angry, but it wasn't his fault that he couldn't sleep and it wasn't his fault that every time he closed his eyes he felt as though he was part of a horror movie.

"Four hours," he said in the end, "maybe five."

Shaking his head again, Standen took more notes.

"It's because of your dreams again, isn't it?" when Bucky nodded, he continued, "Tell me about it."

Bucky shook his head, not wanting to think about it, it was bad enough to feel like he was reliving all of it while he slept, especially because most times he wasn't able to wake up until his brain allowed him to, even if he was screaming inside to open his eyes and getting away from the horrors of his past.

"My dreams…" he started, his voice barely a whisper, "my dreams are the worst I've ever had. Images of the Winter Soldier fold in on each other... I see things I forgot happened..." He sighed, not knowing how to explain it, "like a door unlocking in my mind. Torture, slaughter, and training others in their use. So much horror... I wake up vomiting. And don't feel much better afterwards. My bad dreams linger..." he gave the therapist a weak smile "but I wouldn't expect anything else…"

Standen remained silent for a moment, as though he was giving Bucky time to assimilate what he had just said, and then he asked:

"Do you remember it all after you wake up?"

"If I didn't I wouldn't be able to tell you, right?"

Judging for the look he gave her, the man didn't seem to like his tone.

"And do you remember it later? Would you be able to know all of this in two months?"

Bucky shook his head.

"I don't know. But I write it down usually, as you told me to do. Just in case…" He made a pause. "Just in case I forget who I am again."

After that, he didn't feel like talking anymore and left Dr. Standen's office without really caring about the look the man gave him, even if the therapist didn't look happy at all. He wasn't there to try to impress him, after all, and at the end of the day it was of more help to talk to Steve than it was to talk to Standen because, at least, he trusted Steve.

The apartment was empty when he walked in and he assumed that his best friend had left with Romanoff. He confirmed what he suspected when he saw the note that Steve had left for him on the kitchen counter.

 _I'm out with Natasha. Don't know when I'll be back. There's lasagna in the oven. Be safe._

 _S._

He thanked him silently, knowing that he would have not eaten if Steve hadn't left anything for him and, throwing the note on the bin, he took the lasagna out of the oven.

* * *

Sam took another box from the back of the truck and walked inside the bar, letting it on the floor next to the others. Freya walked out to pay the driver who had made the delivery and the walked inside the bar again.

"Thank you for helping," she told Sam as they carried the boxed to the backside of the bar and started taking the bottles out of the boxes and putting them on the shelves.

"No problem," he replied. "After all the times you have helped me out at the VA it was the least I could do."

She smiled.

"You know I do it because I want to," Freya pointed out, "not so you may owe me."

They finished putting the bottles on their places and Sam offered to take the empty boxes outside to trash them while Freya got behind the bar to prepare herself some coffee.

"Prepare another one for me, would you?" Sam asked her when he got back in, sitting in front of her.

"Do you have money to pay it?" Freya raised an eyebrow at him but started making coffee for him too.

Sam smiled at her, one of those smiles she had seen him given the girls he fancied, and it made her roll her eyes.

"I could pay you in a more natural way if you want me to."

"You are insufferable at times, you know? Anyway, weren't you trying to get Michaella to date you?"

He shook his shoulders.

"Doesn't mean I have to stop flirting with you. You know, I don't get why you always say no. Thought you'd like your men like you like your coffee." He smirked.

"If you weren't my friend I'd pour this over your head," she informed him, giving him his coffee.

He laughed at that and they drank the coffee in silence until the door opened and Freya turned to smile at the man who walked in.

"Everything done?" he asked.

"Everything done," Freya nodded. "Couldn't have done it without my friend here, but don't worry, Harry, you don't need to pay him"

Sam didn't argue, he had known that Freya was helping the bar's owner, and that he was going to pay her, but hadn't wanted to receive anything for giving her a hand.

"Looks like you helped yourselves." Harry pointed at their cups of coffee but then added, "Don't you worry, it's fine." He handed Freya some money that she took with a smirk, before turning to Sam "How about you come whenever you want with your friends? Drinks are on the house."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Sam agreed, palming Harry's shoulder.

* * *

Steve called to say that Natasha and him had been held up, even if he didn't explain exactly what they were up to, and to check up on Bucky, who was grateful for how his friend cared and worried for him but reminded him that there was no way he could get in trouble while watching TV and eating the food he had left for him.

He decided to keep on reading. Hours later, he had just finished the book, when the front door opened. Steve walked in, still wearing his suit, dragging Natasha along with him. The Black Widow had a big cut on her leg and Bucky stood from the couch to help Steve take her to the bathroom. They carefully sat her on the toilet.

"It's not as bad as it looks." She complained at Steve as the super soldier cut the left leg of her cat suit and started cleaning the blood from her leg to get a better look at the cut. She made a noise and he laughed.

"Then why are you complaining?"

"She still's got something inside," Bucky noted, kneeling next to her, and Steve didn't bother to ask how he could know because Bucky himself probably didn't know.

"Probably a little piece of metal," Natasha agreed with him. "Got any tweezers?"

Steve nodded and looked for them on the first aid kit they had on the bathroom's cupboard. When he found them, he handed them to Bucky, who turned to look at Natasha's green irises with sad eyes.

"It's going to hurt," he apologized but the Russian spy nodded, telling him to go on.

"I've had worst," she smiled and Steve could have sworn that, for a moment, there was a sad smile on Bucky's lips, but it left as soon as it came and he couldn't be sure of it.

Even if Natasha didn't complain, she held Steve's hand tightly as Bucky took a little piece of metal out of her wound and made sure it was entirely clean, and for a moment the blonde thought that she was going to break it.

"Okay, you can put a bandage on her," Bucky told Steve and stood to clean his hands on the sink, looking away from the blood leaving them while clenching his teeth, and the left Steve and Natasha alone in the bathroom, walking back to the couch.

* * *

Turning around the corner, Bucky looked for the cereals Steve had asked him to buy. The truth was that he had only volunteered to do so because, although he had helped his friend to take care of Natasha, he still didn't feel like being that friendly with the Russian spy, even if he could see that Steve trusted her. He stopped when he saw Freya, not far away from where he stood, trying to reach something from one of the highest shelves. After a moment, he took pity of her, knowing that, as tiny as she was, there was no way she was going to be able to reach whatever she wanted, and walked to her.

"Need any help?" he asked, and she gave a little jump. Thinking that he had scared her, Bucky pressed his lips together, ready to leave, but she just smiled.

"Hey," she addressed him, "Yeah. Do you think you could get me a couple of those chocolate bars?"

Nodding at her, he moved his left hand to take the chocolate bars and then handed them to her, moving his hand away as soon as Freya's fingers touched his glove. His eyes rose to look at her, studying her gaze, but if anything, she seemed curious about why he covered his hands.

"Thank you, Bucky."

He shook his head, moving back to the cereals and looking for the ones he wanted, quite aware of her still standing next to him. He picked the box and turned to Freya as they walked to the self-service check-out machines.

"You didn't strike me as a man who eats diet cereals," she commented while paying her chocolate bars, the woman overseeing the machines watching them closely. Bucky gave the woman a look as he paid his cereals, still not being used to those new technologies. It wasn't as if the Winter Soldier had done grocery shopping when he was allowed to leave his prison. Bucky pushed those thoughts away.

"They are for my friend," he said.

Opening one of the bars, as she had already paid them, she gave it a bite and he couldn't stop wondering why she was waiting for him and talking to him. He was going to add something else when the employee who had been looking at him approached them. Giving him another look, she spoke to Freya in what Bucky knew was Spanish. It was funny that the woman would speak in one of the few languages that he didn't understand. Whatever she had said, though, seemed to bother Freya, who frowned at her, but smiled as she answered, also in Spanish. The woman left and, giving another bite to the bar, Freya turned to him.

"Are you done?" she asked and started walking to the exit when he nodded.

"She was asking you about me, right?" He may not have understood what she'd said, but had read her body language pretty well.

"Yeah," Freya made a face, almost like she was sorry, even if it was not her fault. "She asked me if you were bothering me and if she had to call security."

Bucky shook his head. He wasn't surprised about it because it wasn't the first time something like that happened. Once, a police officer had thought he was trying to rob Sam while they jogged through a park and Bucky still didn't really know why it had been. No, it pained him a little, but it didn't surprise him at all.

"And I told her that you were my brother," she continued, "and that she should mind her own business."

"That's a lie," Bucky noted and she shrugged, taking another bite from her bar.

"Half a lie. She should really mind her own business, after all, and I do have a brother, even if you two are nothing alike." Moving her bag, she slipped her jacket down her shoulders and took it on her left hand while placing the bag on her right shoulder, complaining about the heat.

And Bucky's eyes went to her arm, and to the dark lines that covered it. It started on her left shoulder and run down all the way to her elbows in intricate patterns and knots. It looked as if someone had spilled ink on snow. It was beautiful somehow. He realized he had been staring when Freya's green eyes met his, and there was something inside of them, a kind of sadness, that made him look away. He cursed himself in silence, knowing that he had surely made her uneasy. It would certainly disturb him if he caught someone staring at him like that.

"You like it?" And her smile was back, just like that. It made him frown, but he nodded, and even managed to give her a crooked smile. She left soon after that, crossing the street and walking away. Going back home, Bucky guessed. Not that he should have cared.

It wasn't until he was walking inside his building that Bucky remembered Steve had still not questioned him about his meeting with Dr. Standen, busy as he had been taking care of Natasha, and he hoped that his friend wasn't at the apartment, because he didn't feel like opening his heart to him at the moment. But Steve wasn't home, and Bucky was allowed to pretend he was free of his demons for a while longer.


End file.
